The school newspaper, The Rebellion, came out a couple days ago. And guess what I was oh-so-surprised to find in it? Why, an article dissing Emo kids (and an accompanying sidebar stating something to the tune of “Are you an emo kid? Stop crying and tell us what you think! Send a letter to The Rebellion and perhaps the cruel world will listen!”) Now, I personally wasn’t too upset about this (except for a couple things, which I will get to later), but many people I know were, quite understandably.

Now, as anyone knows me will attest, I am nowhere near being emo. Hell, I’ve been known to show quite some disdain for emo kids. However, this article touched a raw nerve, namely because it was written by (you guessed it) some ditzy prep-ass girl, whose name I won’t disclose because a) I don’t know her surname and b) I don’t want to be sued.

Now, the one thing I found quite comical about this whole incident was the very fact that the person in question was a prep. Still don’t get it? Well, let’s spell it out in a sample tounge-in-cheek quote: “Put that stupid-assed polo shirt collar down…what the fuck are you, a vampire?” Also of note was the fact that “gloomy punk music” was mentioned in the article. As opposed to rap “music?” “Oooh, look at me, I only listen to music that symbolises a failed attempt at learning English! I’m better than you! Yay!” I’m no fan of punk (or most of today’s “rock”), but it’s much better than the bullshit that most preps listen to. Besides, these assholes are the reason that I have to drag my ass out to a stadium on Thanksgiving day (and some Fridays) and miss the first course of the meal (along with freezing my ass off), just for their stupid-assed football game. As if I give a flying fuck about high school football. Really, if they want a band, they ought to pay for one. Hopefully it will rain, though (which is in the forecast).

In short, these assholes should shut the fuck up. Their style is just as rediculous, if not more so, as that of the people they attempt to put down. And at least emo kids have more intelligence than a brick (knowing the stats of football team del giorno doesn’t count as intelligence, folks.)

Dan out.

UPDATE: Ellen kindly scanned the article. I made some adjustments and blurred out the name (for reasons mentioned above). Here it is.

I was listening to the radio and some idiot comes on ranting and raving about golf. So, I decided to create a satirical, but eerily realistic golf sportscaster conversation.

Jim: Well John, it seems as if he is about to putt.
John: Yep’n, I’d reckon as much. You know, if he gets it in the hole, the spectators might awaken from their comas.
Jim: Yes. [pauses] I think he just hit the ball!
John: Yes. If you look closely, you can see the little indentations on the ball moving around as it rolls across the green.
Jim: Now, I think you’re right. It’s quite interesting. You know, the crowd is unusually lively today; two people are showing visible signs of life!
John: How true! Wow, the ball went into the hole! If he does this a few more times, he might win!
Jim: Maybe. I’ve just received reports that one spectator has just gone completely unconscious. The emergency medical services will be arriving soon.
John: You know, that’s happened a couple of times in my career. And every time, they said it was because of something called “boredom.” You ever heard of that, Jim?
Jim: No, but those stupid golf-haters always talk about it. Oh well; who cares what they think?
John: Right you are. Well, stay tuned; we’ll be right back after the commercials.

At this point, I’m already about to enter a deep state of sleep. But on with the show.

Now, sportscasters have to have the most worthless job on the planet. And yet, they make millions more than the average hard-working American. How can this be? I guess that’s capitalism for you.

Just like CEOs, I tell you.